Question A Week 28

IS IT TIME TO STRETCH BEYOND YOUR CURRENT EDGE OR REST WHERE YOU ARE AT?

Photo by Sarah Hannigan

In my weekly yoga class, I’m invited again and again to say hello to wherever my body is at in the moment. Becoming aware of my current physical capacity takes intentional slowing down and focusing in. It’s important to identify where I’m at so I can consciously choose to stretch beyond that edge. I can deepen into any pose, however tight it may feel at first, if I go slowly and use the breath for support. When exposed to ordinary demand, the muscles will not grow. If I want to expand my flexibility, strength, endurance, and resilience, I need to continually stretch beyond where I am at.

But that's not the whole story. Essential to this growth process is also the need to rest. Throughout class my teacher gives us brief moments to "soak in the work," as she likes to say. And at the end of class there is always a longer period of rest to more deeply integrate what we have learned.

This process of stretching then rest, stretching then rest, works not only for our bodies, but for our hearts and minds and spirits as well. And it works on an individual as well as an organizational and societal level. In order to grow we need to start wherever we’re at then stretch beyond that, with periods of rest along the way to fully integrate the learning. With you in this process.

A word of gratitude to my teacher Carolyn Ripp at

The Nest Wellness Studio

for your dedication to the practice and teaching of yoga.

Question A Week 27

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SHIFT YOUR ATTENTION FROM WHAT TO HOW?

Photo by Liz Wuerffel

So many of us are trying to figure out WHAT TO DO  in these turbulent times. It is an important question. What you do matters. Your actions are the result of countless other actions that came before and will influence countless actions to come. Yet, when you focus solely on WHAT to do, you miss the equally important question of HOW to do whatever it is you do. Only paying attention to the WHAT can also make you more susceptible to the paralyzing story that what you do doesn’t matter. So often we don’t get to be privy to the impact of our best work in the world. When you give your attention to the HOW, you get to feel the immediate experience of your actions.

So, if the WHAT question is immobilizing you, shift gears. Some of the most useful work you can do right now is to show up with your whole self to the upheaval all around you. Take it in deeply and reckon with it, not just in your mind, but in your body. If you know what your WHAT is, don’t forget to pay close attention to HOW you are doing it.

Question A Week 26

CAN MEDITATION HELP?

Photo by Liz Wuerffel

I hope I didn’t already lose a good chunk of my readers just by using the word meditation. It’s a word that seems to put most people in distinct camps immediately. You either think it’s essential, or you are convinced it’s not for you. 

Meditation takes many different forms and is called by many different names by those who practice it. I’m not a devotee of any one particular way. I began to explore meditation 25 years ago with the Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron, and I still tend to seek out teachers in this tradition. Tara Brach is my go-to these days. I’ve also used various tools such as Headspace, a secular app that, since its inception in 2010, has gotten the attention of leaders in various organizations and businesses across the world who are gifting it to their employees. Brilliant! And during this pandemic, Headspace is offering a year for free to those who are unemployed.

Fundamentally, meditation is the process of being a witness to whatever arises in us, be it thought, feeling, or sensation, and returning again and again to the breath, or some other focal point. Having a focal point to return to gives the mind a job to do when it wanders, which it will do. The mind is designed to think, and we will never stop it from doing its job. One of the biggest misconceptions about meditation is that if we are doing it “right,” we will be able to stop the mind’s incessant chatter. We won’t. Over time we can build the muscle of slowing down the busy mind, but we will never stop it completely. Pema Chodron, after almost 40 years of meditation, still describes herself as a person with a very busy mind.

As we train the mind to pay attention to the breath, or a mantra, or a candle, or our feet taking one deliberate step at a time, etc., we begin to notice that quieter, more subtle, and perhaps hidden parts of ourselves start to show up. Glennon Doyle, in her new book Untamed, describes meditation as a process of sinking below all our moving, talking, searching, panicking, and flailing. Buddhists use the metaphor of the ocean and the waves. At the surface, the waves of our life may be big or small, steady or stormy. Whatever form the waves take, below is a vast ocean where the busyness and chaos stills and we can feel and sense things that are not apparent at the surface. Whole new worlds can open up in that space.

Inevitably, when I’m working with someone (including myself), some form of meditation comes up as an essential practice in living the kind of engaged and fully present lives we long for. Eventually we all come to points in our lives when the strategic mind, with all its benefits and necessities, is not enough. No matter how hard we try, we just can’t “figure it out” using only our minds. There’s help available and it is as close as your breath.

Question A Week 25

WHAT IS THE BEAUTIFUL QUESTION YOU NEED TO ASK?

* MayDay 2017 Photo by Paula Williams

“The ability to ask beautiful questions, often in very unbeautiful moments, is one of the great disciplines of a human life.” David Whyte, From On Being with Krista Tippet.

Our nation is certainly in an unbeautiful moment. That, however, is not the whole truth. The whole truth is that the ugliness we witnessed in the murder of George Floyd on May 25, 2020 at the hands of a white police officer, while three other police officers who were present did not intervene, is an ugliness that has been going on since white people began to enslave black people in this country. Four hundred plus years of human beings with their knees on the necks of other human beings, preventing them from breathing. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly.

Coming up with a beautiful question in the midst of so much ugliness may be incredibly difficult. There is so much fear. There is so much rage. There is so much grief. As a white person, if I choose to, I could turn my face from the ugliness. I am determined not to do that.

“A beautiful question starts to shape your identity as much by asking it, as it does by having it answered. You just have to keep asking. And before you know it, you will find yourself actually shaping a different life, meeting different people, finding conversations that are leading you in those directions that you wouldn’t even have seen before.” David Whyte

I’m determined to find a question, a beautiful question, I need to ask right now. And I’m determined to keep asking it, hopefully in community with others who also want to ask the same or similar questions, until we shape lives that truly embody our deepest longings for a world of justice, equality, and peace. Please feel free to share your beautiful question and/or your process toward finding one. In doing so, you might help someone else find theirs. We need each other in this work.

*George Floyd was murdered in the Powderhorn neighborhood of Minneapolis, Minnesota. I love this neighborhood. So many beloveds live and work in or near it. It is also the home of In The Heart of the Beast Puppet and Mask Theater. Nearly every year for the past 22 years I have attended HOBT’s MayDay, a beautiful parade, ceremony, and celebration rooted in the local community and contemporary issues, concerns, and visions for a better world.

Question A Week 24

CAN WE FOCUS OUR ATTENTION ON THE BODY?

Photo by Sarah Hannigan

Our nervous system needs us now. We’re all in a state of collective trauma. “Too much, too fast,” is how I’ve heard it described. Our systems have been overloaded and the more primal parts of our brain have been triggered, compelling us to fight, flee, or freeze. Thinking our way out of a hijacked nervous system is not possible, no matter how hard we try. If we don’t find ways to discharge this energy it will lodge itself inside our bodies and keep reminding us of its presence until we attend to it. 

Now more than ever we are seeing the wisdom of paying attention to the body. For me, the easiest way to do this is to focus on the breath. It’s a tool that is always there for me. Regardless of the state it’s in, I can watch it come in and go out. No matter how many times my mind wants to take me for a ride down a rabbit hole, I have the opportunity to bring it back to the sensation of my belly rising and falling, or the cool air entering my nose and the warm air exiting it. And the more I do this, the more I strengthen this pathway so that it becomes my default when I need it most. As I settle into my breath it becomes an expansive embrace around the twisted, tense, and tight places in my body, allowing them space to release. This experience of being held by my very own breath is a tender practice in self-care.

Question A Week 23

WHAT IS YOUR SONG? CAN YOU SING IT, EVEN NOW?

Photo by Sarah Hannigan

Do not try to save

the whole world

or do anything grandiose.

Instead, create

a clearing

in the dense forest

of your life

and wait there

patiently,

until the song

that is your life

falls into your own cupped hands

and you recognize and greet it.

Only then will you know

how to give yourself

to this world

so worth of rescue.

-Martha Postlewaite

The birds have started to sing here in the Northland. Have you heard them? They sing their songs no matter what is happening. This is our challenge right now, to sing our songs, whatever they are, however small they may seem, with our whole heart. This matters. If you know what your song is, consider yourself lucky, and sing it. If you don’t know what it is, this poem gently invites you to take the time to find it.

Question A Week 22

Can you hold the inevitable tension between what is and what might be in a generative way?

Photo by Sarah Hannigan

When we want something we don't have, our tendency is to focus on the "not having." Don’t take my word for it. Check it out yourself. Pay attention to your thoughts surrounding what you want in your life. Discover where your attention goes. Inadvertently, many of us are focusing on the “not having,” and by doing so, some claim we only create more of the “not having.” I can't say this is true all of the time, but in my experiments with the concept in my own life, I have found it to be true a lot of the time. Again, check it out. Experiment. If you find, like I did, that this is in fact happening for you, I encourage you to intentionally focus on what you do have, then see what happens.

Question A Week 21

Why is loneliness so prevalent in our world?

Photo by Sarah Hannigan

As a coach, I hear about loneliness a lot. As human beings we long to be known and to know others, for in doing so we come to know ourselves. This is what intimacy makes the space for in our lives. We are made for it. I would argue, in fact, that intimacy is a fundamental human need. 

In our technological world, connection is seemingly unfettered and easy. Why then do we feel so lonely? There is obviously a distinction between connection and intimacy that is worth paying attention to. Which aspects of your life create a sense of intimacy and which ones leave you feeling more lonely? In asking ourselves these questions we need to keep in mind that loneliness is different than solitude which is an important part of true intimacy. Without a doubt, intimacy takes more investment than connection, but the payoff seems not only worth it, but essential to experiencing the fullness of our humanity.

Question A Week 20

What happens when you don’t pace yourself while running a marathon?

In response to one of my weekly questions a while back, a reader said: "I try to think about running a marathon instead of a sprint." It's such solid advice for so many of the most significant realms of human life such as intimate relationship, parenting, and work. It's also instructive when used to reflect on our hopes and our heartbreaks. Pacing ourselves is necessary if we want to be in something for the long haul. Our energy is limited and we have to be skillful in deciding where, when, and how to use it.

I need to constantly remind myself of the marathon metaphor as I more powerfully claim my role as a community organizer. It's a challenge to pace myself amidst the urgency and excitement of the moment. Parker Palmer, in his book Healing the Heart of Democracy, taught me one story that never fails to make me pause and take a deep breath in the midst of the hurry. For twenty long years John Woolman "spoke with his fellow Quakers about the heartbreaking contradiction between their faith and their practice"  before they became the first religious community in America to free their slaves. 

Question A Week 19

Have you thanked your teacher?

Years ago, as I was grumbling (yet again) about someone, a wise woman had both an assertion and a question for me: “She’s your teacher. Have you thanked her?” She wasn't referring to our traditional teachers (although thanking them again and again is a great idea...have you been in a classroom lately?). She was referring to those people in our lives that we don't like, or that annoy us, or that bring up uncomfortable or even scary feelings inside of us. Her question completely shifted my attention away from being a victim of someone else’s actions toward being curious about how this person was expanding my life in some way. Being thankful in these times can ease the resistance. Easing the resistance can create a bigger space inside of us where understanding, integration, and maybe even transformation become possible.

Question A Week 18

By whose rules are you playing?

Photo by Sarah Hannigan

My son started piano lessons when he was seven years old. In the beginning especially, the learning curve is so steep and there are so many, many rules. For Reuben, rules translate into a lot of someone else telling him what to do, when what he most longs for is to be in charge of his own life. Don’t we all? 

Being a kid is full of others telling you what to do. Parents, teachers and other adults are constantly, and often unconsciously, creating and putting kids in boxes that define what is good and what is bad, what is right and what is wrong, what is appropriate and what is not, what can be done and what cannot.

As adults, we do have more say in our experience of life. But these "voices" from our past don’t just magically go away. It takes a concerted effort to hear our own voice amidst all the others vying for space in our head, but with conviction and perseverance we can do it. We will likely need to spend a good deal of time undoing at least some, if not many, of the rules we inherited along the way. With time and attention we can attain exactly what we wanted when we were little...to run our own show. Of course there is the issue of doing that in the midst of others, but that is for another question...

Question A Week 17

How are you being a contribution?

Photo by Sarah Hannigan

The pressure to be successful runs deep in our culture. When we're focused on results and they are not unfolding as we want them to, it can be easy to get discouraged. What if we asked ourselves (and each other) about contribution instead? By taking the focus off results, we might instead see the innumerable possibilities of being a gift in each and every moment.

Question A Week 16

How do we distinguish between selfishness and self-care?

Self-care and selfishness are two buzzwords embedded deep in our collective consciousness that are worth questioning more deeply. It seems generally accepted that self-care is “good” and selfishness is “bad.” Even my question presents this simplistic dichotomy. The truth is no doubt more hazy. Definitions matter. What do we mean by self-care and selfishness? The way we define something allows for certain possibilities and keeps others out. What if we played with our definitions? And remember, when asking ourselves these questions, it needs to be more than mind play. This can be fun and interesting, but to have inquiry change our day to day experience we need to invite our whole selves into the play. Ask yourself: How does an action I take (or don’t take) feel in my body and heart? Listen carefully…

Question A Week 15

How are you practicing gratitude?

"When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around." Willie Nelson

A while back I was in a hole. I couldn’t see a way forward. It’s a place I’m familiar with and I’ve finally learned not to panic, at least not as much. This doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, or it isn’t scary. It does, and it is. But I’ve learned to trust that it will pass. 

One of the most powerful practices for me during these times is gratitude. I’m certainly not the first person to espouse the benefits of gratitude. Every spiritual tradition emphasizes the importance of gratitude, and more and more the wisdom of these teachings are being corroborated by scientific studies of the brain. 

Think about the happiest, most fulfilled people you know, and I’ll bet that gratitude is a significant part of their lives. It’s important to note that these are not necessarily people with the “perfect” circumstances in their lives. The truth is, practicing gratitude works, regardless of the circumstances of your life. 

Over the years I’ve learned that HOW I practice gratitude matters, especially during those times when I find myself in a hole. It’s not enough for me to just name what I’m grateful for, or jot things down quickly. I need to spend intentional, recurring time focused on gratitude.

In the practice I’ve developed over the years, first I write down 5-10 things I am grateful for. The number doesn’t matter. If you’re new to this, you may want to start with 3-5. What is important is to flesh out each gratitude with as many details as possible. I also include “why” I am grateful for it, which is a powerful reminder of what I care about and love. Then I spend the time to slowly read each gratitude back to myself, out loud if possible. What I’m going for is the ability to visualize, sense, and feel the gratitude in my body, not just think about it in my head. The bonus step is when I find someone else to do this practice with so we can share our daily gratitudes. Doing so gives us ideas for additional things to be grateful for and inspires us to keep at the practice, which is when we will in turn see more things to be grateful for! 

Don't hesitate to be in touch if you have any questions about doing this practice, or if you'd like to share your gratitudes with me.  

Question A Week 14

What’s underneath the blame, judgment, and defensiveness?

There's a place inside all of us that Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron calls our "soft spot." It's the place where our innate ability to love and be loved resides.  For so many of us, from such an early age, we have learned to put up walls around this place to protect ourselves from being hurt or to keep out what scares us. Whenever you catch yourself in blame, judgment, or defensiveness you can be sure that this "soft spot" is not accessible. Opening to this love story takes bravery and support, as it is, in so many ways, countercultural. And it’s an ongoing project, as we will get countless opportunities to try it out. Onward.